When you love someone so much that the thought of it can literally bring you to tears, it hurts beyond words to watch them hurt. I have been in this place more times than I can count, and I still have a month to go before I can say I’m 22*. Hell, in the last few months I have been there more times than I care to even think of.
Somehow, it’s even worse when I’m hurting, too. I seem to have no patience for others’ problems at times. In fact, I barely notice that I am having no patience until later or until someone points it out to me.
Since everything is so terrible right now, with all of this stress and depression and frustration, there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I’m a fixer***. When anyone around me is hurting or in trouble or needs help, I want to make it better. When I can’t, when I can only sit by and rub a back and lend an ear, I feel useless. I know that by being there, I’m being helpful, but I still want to be able to get up and do something that will change what is happening.
And lately, I’m realizing more and more — or running into the wall more and more — that I can’t fix everything. I can fix a website, reconstruct a logo, restore a database, and edit a story, but when it comes to real life, I can only kiss away tears, sit on a couch and listen, pay the way for a night of vodka, loan some money for cigarettes, and a number of other small things that help the person but don’t solve the problem.
Last night, I didn’t have the answers to questions or problems. I had advice, but really didn’t know if my advice was even right. I couldn’t erase the pain and stress, and at first I couldn’t even gather the patience long enough to even stay. I gave what I could by phone when in reality, it should have been in person. I should have been more understanding, because in the past I’ve been there for someone in a similar situation.
This person, who has never been short of amazing when being there for me****, deserved better. In general, they deserve better. They don’t deserve to be stuck in the middle of a situation so scary and unpredictable.
I desperately want to make it better… and I can’t. The one thing that I want to do, I can’t do, because I don’t have the financial resources*****.
I want to hope that it will work out for the best, but because everything is so unpredictable, I am afraid to hope. Once again, I don’t know what’s going to happen to someone I love. I am tired of the uncertainty in life. I want to make things better, even if it’s only for a couple of hours.
*Literally; a month from today, on August 28th, I’ll be celebrating having a double number again. I’d actually rather skip being 22 and go right to 23. I don’t know why. Usually, every year I’m about to have a birthday, I’ll be excited about the new age. This year, 22 can suck it**. 23 is my man.
**I know. I am so fucking weird.
***So are most men. Does that make me manly?
****Okay, no one’s perfect, but really, they’ve been mostly supportive and give really good hugs.
*****Student loans are stupid. Why did I have to talk myself into going to school I had to take out loans to pay for?!
PS: Sorry that this is so abstract. I’d love to pour my heart out to you guys and tell you what’s going on, but it’s not my story to tell. Just know that it sucks, but we’re hanging in there.
But you were able to sit with this person, who you care about, and listen and care. Although that connection won’t “fix” what’s going on, it is a wonderful thing to realize that you are not alone and that someone’s support is with you. Even if they are just sitting with you, or having evenings that lead to Driving While Hungover (oh my godddddddddddd that’s the most wretched thing EVER to have to do btw), you’re still able to make a connection. Sometimes you don’t have to be fixed, but just heard.
I have been thinking about blogging about something relating to this… I feel like a trash can sometimes. There’s a book on hospice caregivers that has a chapter titled “Caregivers as Trashcans” and basically, it’s about how a lot of people who care are sought out by the seekers of help, or just the minimal support and connection. Sometimes all a person needs to do is verbalize it. What I’d like to write about though are some of the situations I’ve been presented with – people who listen and care, will hear the most incredible, but extremely personal stories. So it might not be right to write about some of them, even.
It’s funny that I always feel better just having someone to talk to, but when it comes to my friends, family, or boyfriend, I want to give them more than an ear. Thanks for reminding me that being there is enough sometimes.
I don’t think it’d be wrong to blog about some of the stories, as long as you change names and don’t give out any locations. It all depends on how comfortable with it you are, though. Let me know if you do end up posting some. I’d love to read them. I think you make an excellent caregiver and friend.
awww hunny im sorry i hope things get better soon!!!
Thank you Kala. I think they will. It’s just frustrating in the meantime.
Oh hunnie, I don’t know whats going on but know that I am here, only a BBM chat away! xoxo
Thanks love. You just might get an email soon!
I totally feel you on the ‘fixer’ thing. I’m a fixer too.
I hope whatever is going on gets better soon. Until then keep on giving hugs and advice when needed.
Thanks hon. I’ll probably be writing you a letter about it. I need to update you, anyway!