To the cat who thinks he is king

Dear Apollo,

You were so cute as a kitten. And I thought that you were a good cat. At least, you were until we brought you upstairs.

Why do you feel the need to chase my cat — you know, the little one — around? I promise you, if you stop terrorizing her, she won’t terrorize you like she did those first couple of days. I think she has learned her lesson. So unless you want to be booted out to the streets, doing sexual favors for tomcats* to finance your rather large appetite, I suggest you leave her alone. And don’t think that just because you’re my mom’s favorite, I won’t do it.

Yours,
The Human with the Spray Bottle

PS: Quit pretending like you are old and slow. You’re only two or three years old. It doesn’t fly with me. I know you are really just lazy and stubborn.

*I would never do that, but man, the thought is tempting — especially when being woken up at the ass crack of dawn to hissing and growling.