So, Seroquel made me gain something between 15 and 20lbs, all of which went directly to my belly, ass, and thighs. I don’t care so much about my thighs and ass, believe it or not. What bothers me the most is my belly. I’ve tried to make light of it and I try not to let it bother me, but when it’s physically painful to wear certain pants or to sit a certain way because of that belly, or when your panties dig into your belly… Well, it gets to me.
Everyone keeps saying, “You look fine,” and, “You don’t need to lose weight,” but those people aren’t the ones who suddenly have hardly any clothing to wear because nothing fits. Things that used to be really loose on me are now too tight.
It especially gets to me when other people say, “You’re not pregnant… Are you?” or, “You look thinner on Facebook,” or, “You’re getting a little pudgy there.” The best was, “You’re fat,” and the giggling that followed because the person thought it was hilarious to say something like that. Seriously? Shut the fuck up! It’s hard enough telling my mind to shut up without having to hear it from you.
And yet, as much as I want my tummy to go back to the way it used to be — it never was flat or anything, but I liked the way it looked — I can’t seem to go buy that bike, take that 20 minute daily walk, or do those sit-ups. I drink Slim Fast to try to curb those, “I’m working at my computer, so clearly I need some chips!” cravings. I promise myself, “I’ll walk today when I get home,” but then I get home and I say, “Fuck it, it’s too hot.”
My bloggy friend Hilly has taken up mall walking recently, which does not at all sound like a bad idea. I’ve actually thought about it several times before reading her post about the girl she met at the mall. (You should all read it. It’s very moving.) And yet I haven’t bothered, not once. (But I have walked in the nearly 100° heat to go to my cousin’s for the pool. Go figure.)
I really, really want a bike, but I keep thinking, Where am I going to ride it? My 8th grade English teacher has suggested I go to the one in Middlebury, and someone else told me that I can easily take the front wheel off of the bike to transport in my car… but I still haven’t bought that bike. I even have the money — more than enough money — for it, but have yet to go buy one. Why? I don’t know.
Maybe I should really start getting myself psyched up about biking, and then I’ll want one so bad that I’ll just go buy it and I will ride it every day. Or maybe I’ll end up buying it, will never use it, and it will just go to waste. Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of.
Now I understand why men don’t understand women. We’re fucking weird.
I prefer when people say that I’m fat (although no one dared yet…) than when they’re saying stuff such as ‘you’ve lost so much weight’ even though it’s clearly not true. I don’t know, some people pay compliments only to hear you saying something nice to them in return. And you bike-dillemma isn’t all that weird. In fact that’s exactly how I feel before buying a lot of stuff. And if I haven’t got a bike already, I would certainly hesitate to buy one. But then, again, once you finally spend money on it, you might feel like: “No, now I have to use it, since I paid for it”
That’s what I’m hoping will happen, but since I’m so afraid that I’ll waste the money, I’m hesitant!
And true, I’d rather people be honest… But when they are, it’s harder for me to ignore the voice in my head that says, “Please lose that weight. You’re not how you used to be. It’s ugly.” ):
First off, I’d slap the brat who called my fat. People can be so rude!!
Secondly, my advice…just do it. You will never regret getting out there and going for that walk or bike ride. The hardest part is stepping foot out the door. Do that much and the rest will be easier.
Also, instead of Slim Fast, try water with lemon. Or snack on some fruit or almonds. They’ll work better and taste better.
Trust me, in my imagination, I did slap them. Unfortunately, in real life, it would have gotten me into big trouble.
It’s always easier when I just do it. I need to get better at making time for it!
I actually like Slim Fast, and because it has lots of protein in it, it helps keep my blood sugar from crashing. I also like lemon water and almonds! Almonds are one of my favorite snacks. I’m surprised at myself for not having them around anymore!